Hopeless That This Will Turn Out Better

It's hard to think about blog fodder when I spend all day thinking up possible employers to contact and about whether or not I am ever going to find a job I don't despise. I know it's only been a week proper and that, prior to my arrival here, I figured two months was a good goal to shoot for in terms of length of unemployment. But every day that passes is more and more defeating.

I know I'm a worthwhile person and a great employee, but when you get no reassurance on that from the outside world of potential employers, you start to wonder about it yourself. Deep down, I think I'm just terribly disappointed in myself. For being lazy, largely. I know I'm a good writer and that I would be an asset in that role to anyone that hired me, and yet I don't produce any written work. How the hell are these employers supposed to know that without proof? And the reason there isn't proof? Is because I didn't produce any. I always tell myself, "Well, if you had an actual assignment you would totally write something good." And this is true, I always have and I would. But then why haven't I taken a few hours here and a weekend or two there to give myself an 'actual assignment' and submit it for print? Because I am lazy.

Lazy and doubtful. I'm terrified of being rejected; of having this confidence in my abilities--confirmed largely by teachers and family members who have to say nice things--whittled away by hearing no after no after no. I worry that this would cause me to produce even less...but what is less than nothing?

Jeremy always says I have an excuse for everything and it's true. If I could find a position coming up with spur of the moment reasons not to things, I'd be golden. But of course I'd probably never get that job, so why try?